Boo!

Ah I havent been in this bad a mood in a while.

Merrrrrrghh. Not feeling all that fabulous right now. I know I’m over thinking everythinggg. I just don’t like being forgotten about. And I know that because I’m upset I’m being a hypocrite in the process, and I don’t like being a hypocrite. I’m just a shit girlfriend, way too scared of being too clingy or I don’t know, annoying. Arghhhhhhhhh.

I’ve decided to do a bit of a tumblr post since I really cannot sleeeep even though I need too. Luckily tomorrow we’re drinking so that should null my thought processes enough to get me to sleep. I hope.

But yes I have basically nothing to rant about anymore, things are much better, I do realllllllyyy miss my boyfriend but thank god he is back at Uni on sunday so I won’t have to miss him for much longer. I literally cannot wait. I’m going to lunch with his parents as well which I think will be nice. But you do feel a bit silly complaining about missing someone because while missing people sucks, at least you have someone to miss.

Speaking of which I’ve been thinking a lot recently about vulnerability and shame, a surprising amount of research has been done in this area and it tends to find that while people don’t want to be vulnerable (I know I don’t) it actually strengthens our connections with people and makes us happier. When we stop fearing what people will think of what we do and say it gives us more freedom to do more things even if we fail, because while failure may be viewed as shameful and telling people makes us vulnerable, it also gives us the chance to try again and keep going, no one gets things right first time. So I’m trying to open up more and let people in on my past and current struggles because it helps them understand me and gives the a whole view of me rather than hiding the bad bits and only showing the good bits which I have a habit of trying to do. We need to let ourselves be seen so we can make proper connections, in the end many friendships aren’t super close because they only see your good side its cause they’ve seen you when you’re down and upset and vice versa and supported each other. The research on this stuff is amazing and very eye opening, may post a video of the speaker Dr Brown I believe her name is who did the research.

I’m realising how blessed I am at the minute. Its something I rarely feel so I’m trying to make the most of it. Its been a rough few months and I finally feel like I’m reaping some reward from all that hardship. It makes me an even firmer believer in the idea that good things come to those who wait and that something good will almost always come out of something bad, even if its just learning from your mistakes.

I’m learning to truly appreciate what I have, and to appreciate the smaller things I have in life as well. I can get a lot of joy out of the smallest things so I’m clearly very lucky. This summer term will be amazing, since none of us have any lectures we can spend more time relaxing outside in the sun together (whilst revising of course) and enjoying canterbury a bit more :)

I know what my main issues are that are putting up road blocks to side track me, over the years I’ve picked up a few misconceptions about myself which while I know are untrue it doesn’t make me believe them any less. I still worry I’m not good enough and think somethings too good to last, but if I go around thinking like that then ill be the one to ruin a good thing through sheer self fulfilling prophecy. So I just have to accept myself wholly so that others can too. I have a very deeply engraved fear of rejection, though I’ve never really let it stop me from trying, it still terrifies me.

I still have worries and fears which have a habit of keeping me up at night (hence this post) but I’m working on fixing/moving past those which I know I can do over time. I have a lot of false thoughts that I need to straighten out before I can fully let myself fall blissfully into happiness without a care in the world, but its what I’m striving for, and once I do that then pretty much anything is possible. Its almost like reverting to a child like mind set where happiness comes first and success comes later, the main goal is to be happy and whatever products come from that are mere coincidence. You can’t keep aiming for success to make you happy because all passion and drive for it are gone.

That’s why this summer I want to recapture that passion and drive which used to push me forward to work hard and be creative so come next university year I can go into it feeling totally refreshed and full of energy :)

This blog has literally become somewhere for me to vent. And I’ve needed to vent a lot recently. It’s 4am and I’m still awake, and I need to be up early in the morning because my mums coming to visit because I had ANOTHER break down today. People keep pushing me to this and they don’t even seem to care.

There truly are some royal cunts out there. And I have no idea what to do about all this. I really don’t and everyone elses suggestions really don’t appeal to me. I just want to curl up and hide until everything has been made right on it’s own but I can’t. It’s lucky that I break up for easter in a couple of weeks though, and I can then stay at home for a couple of weeks, but until then I have to manage and get my work done. And I know all this makes me a terrible friend to everyone else because I stop talking as much when I’m in this mood and when I do talk it’s about whats bothering me and I’m basically no fun to be around. I should just die and then everyone would be happy.

You have to wonder if people will be better off if you just vanished. 

I seem to be a pro at getting myself into difficult situations. I don’t know why but drama follows me around and I don’t enjoy it. I am sooooo looking forward to going home at easter, as any drama there will be tiny in comparison to whats going on here. It’s so easy to get sucked into these things, I’m trying to avoid drama if possible because the drama drove me a little bit crazy a couple weeks back leading to me going home for a few days for a break and I don’t want it to get to that stage again. People just don’t seem to understand that I can’t handle drama when there are several different kinds coming at me and I’m expected to solve all these problems. I’m not magic, I can’t wave a wand and make everyone happy, even though I wish I could. I’m so tempted to go on a nice late night walk to clear my head a bit. I wish I could help everyone and make everyone a happy family again but I can’t. 

I’m so used to just dealing with my problems myself, I’ll talk to a handful about whats going on but there are some things I won’t really explain to anyone because you just deal with it and ignore it, it may upset you for a while but you can work out ways to get over it. And because I hate conflict I don’t confront people about  stuff, and thats what I’m used to, it causes more problems than it solves in a lot of cases I think. Maybe I just shouldn’t be allowed around people, because apparently I cause problems for people without even realizing I’m doing so. For example, everyone hangs out in my room at Uni, its the most homely and I have a TV and am happy to let people be here pretty much every night, yes my room ends up a mess and stuff but I don’t mind too much. But it means I’m seen as the be all and end all of inviting people to do stuff, even when its not in my room so everyone gets angry with me about being left out of things, I try to invite everyone and I would never intentionally hurt anyone and if they think I would they clearly don’t know me very well. I’ve decided to no longer ask people over because of this because I can’t handle everyone being pissed because I don’t invite them to every single little thing that I do with someone else. Its insane. Its very petty, and very very high school. I don’t know when people are lying to me about things anymore now as well, if they’re just saying stuff to me to make me happy and saying different stuff to other people. 

So yeh. Madness here really. Which will clearly lead to my madness. They’ll never let me be a therapist, I’m too mad myself.